ARIES
MAR 21 - APR 19
You spend more EuRupees than you earn, and you're eyeball-deep in denial. And I don't mean some dried-up riverbed in the Expanded Arab Emirates. Time to max out your personal retirement account. Super-longevity ain't pretty when you're broke.
TAURUS
APR 20 - MAY 20
With deadly viruses popping up worldwide, your medicine cabinet reflects your anxiety, but beware of pharmacists preying on fear. A fixed earth sign like you doesn't need EbolAway.
GEMINI
MAY 21 - JUN 21
As an astrological twin, you may suffer from a split personality disorder. If your alter ego deliberately upstages you, increase your dosage of nano-SSRIs and give that diva a nanOD.
CANCER
JUN 22 - JUL 22
Even though SETI is fast deciphering the repeating transmission from Ursa Minor, you still feel alone in the universe. It's time to come out. With global cooling, sexy singles are flocking to that former melanoma breeding ground, the beach.
LEO
JUL 23 - AUG 22
Your Sony Dreamcatcher has logged some disturbing images. What does it all mean? Don't bother checking the oneirology index. Bit o' advice: Lay off the chimichangas before bedtime. Nighty-night.
VIRGO
AUG 23 - SEP 22
Your fluency in Punjabi, Tagalog, and American has served you well professionally and financially. But your personal life is still a monolog. Take a stratosflight to Venice - before it sinks - and learn the language of love, Italian. Ciao, bella!
LIBRA
SEP 23 - OCT 23
You crave fame but lack talent. Even Survivor: Chernobyl rejected your audition sense-vid, and your childhood memories are too - how can I put this delicately? - common to sell as a memory download. Consider being cryo-rebirthed as a Virgo.
SCORPIO
OCT 24 - NOV 21
Your addictive personality begs for salvation, but which religion suits you best? Drug addiction? Try Buddhism: Chanting = natural high. Sex addiction? Catholicism: It has teleconfession. Exercise addiction? Imagine rock-hard abs for Ramadan.
SAGITTARIUS
NOV 22 - DEC 21
The No Child Left Unassigned Act dictates the color of your nursery. But you're picky. So if your little bundle of joy arrives in the "wrong" package, consider protogynous sex reversal. Still unsure about parenthood? Rent a Replikid with Genderswitch.
CAPRICORN
DEC 22 - JAN 20
Gather the courage to nip office gossip in the bud. Venus in retrograde allows your head to rule your timid heart, even if your ticker originally belonged to a harvest clone. (I won't tell anyone.)
AQUARIUS
JAN 21 - FEB 18
Now that coalition forces are unilaterally withdrawing from North Korea, you yearn to protest some other injustice. Alas, a Jupiter-Saturn conjunction spreads international harmony for the next two weeks. Time for a much-needed holiday in Tehran.
PISCES
FEB 19 - MAR 20
Your New Year's resolution to eat right has been hampered by the confusing new GMO Food Pyramid. If tomatoes could still rot, you'd hurl them at the FDA. Time for a new resolution. How about calling your mother once a week on her implant phones?
