We wish Venezuelan strongman Hugo Chavez a full and speedy recovery from cancer. Chavez may be a pain in the ass for U.S. interests in Latin America, but cancer is an evil, debilitating disease that no one should endure. To that end, Chavez might want to switch doctors, because whoever told him that the U.S. has caused his cancer is a quack.

Or maybe he should just discount what he heard from the late Fidel Castro. Last month, Chavez, who had a tumor removed from his pelvis in June, gave a speech accusing Washington of injecting him and several other recently cancer-stricken Latin American leaders with cancer. "Fidel always told me, 'Chavez take care. These people have developed technology. You are very careless. Take care what you eat, what they give you to eat ... a little needle and they inject you with I don't know what,'" Chavez said.

Check our charts: it's another edition of Tinfoil Tuesday, our exploration of the planet's least likely conspiracy theories. (BTW, Hugo, there ain't no way the U.S. gave you the Big C.)

If it's even necessary, the U.S. government firmly denies making Chavez ill. The State Department called the allegation "horrific and reprehensible," in the words of spokeswoman Victoria Nuland.

Nuland could have added "nearly impossible." Cancer grows inside of your body's healthy tissue. Part of its awful resilience depends on its intimate knowledge of your immune system. Injecting someone with foreign cancer cells, as the New Scientist explains, would most likely trigger that immune system. As assassination strategies go, it's not as good as sending a flying robot to fire a missile on your car. You might also think Chavez would have known if some stranger pricked him with a hypodermic needle.

At the same time, New Scientist notes that the U.S. could have weakened Chavez' immune system by, say, bombarding him with radiation or feeding him foods like corn or bread with high levels of aflatoxin, which is associated with liver cancer. Why the U.S. would go to this extreme is less clear, but paranoia is about not asking why.

So expect Chavez to keep on alleging that the U.S. possesses a carcinogenic death ray. "Would it be strange if they had developed the technology to induce cancer and nobody knew about it?" he wondered. Yes, it would. And Chavez shouldn't flatter himself: If the U.S. has a cancer gun, the first guy getting shot with it is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Update, 7:35 p.m.: Thanks to everyone who pointed out that Fidel Castro is, in fact, still alive. My apologies. I hope I did not freak out Fidel's family by accident.