It's been a tough few weeks for Travis Kalanick, the testosteronerous 40-year-old Uber CEO whose swagger-braggart ways have been felled by a series of totally uncool events, including the anti-Trump #DeleteUber campaign, as well as accounts of sexual harassment and groping at the company. And then there's that whole lawsuit thing, not to mention that just-unearthed video of Kalanick arguing with one of his own drivers. All that increased scrutiny will likely force Kalanick—a guy who's clearly sat through way too many viewings of Glengarry Glen Ross (the movie, not the play)—to make the difficult transition from bro to pro. It's not going so well, as proven by this recently leaked rough draft of a staff-wide apology letter:
To: Travis K (Kalafornication@uber.com)
From: Crissy Wendt (Crissy@uber-pr.com)
T,
See suggested revisions below.
CW
To My Beloved Uber-shtoopers Staffers,
In recent weeks, our company's grind internal momentum has been majorly cock-blocked considerably slowed down, thanks to public attacks from these like, you know, Moby-looking reporter dorks company critics. As I've said many times over the last few years, at various company functions and meetings: "No fatties." "Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." But looking back now, it's clear that I've spent too much time shoving Domino's Cheesy Bread into Lyft-car tailpipes aggressively promoting our brand, and not enough time just straight-up chilling in a cabana and watching that Jessica Alba movie Honey a shitload of times focusing on big-picture issues.
When I first started this company, my goal was to meet Vince Vaughn at an open-bar sneaker-launch party in Montauk earn the confidence of both my customers and my employees. But I've lost sight of that mission, as evidenced by three recent decisions, all of which I now deeply regret:
- Using the phrase "mad bonkable" at Deanna's going-away thing. Deprioritizing Q1 staff- satisfaction levels.
- Putting dope-ass smoke machines and lights in the nursing room. Recalibrating our workspace-allotment restrictions.
- Making Toby leave the marketing retreat to go buy me some Kiehl's hair-shit I wanted, then making him pay for that shit, haha, Toby sucks. Slowing our expense-reimbursement turnaround-time.
I want to get us back to our original dream: Namely, putting 53-year-old Queens cabbies out of work driving anyone, anywhere. In order to do this, I'll need the help of Uber-hating lefties who will secretly reinstall our app the minute they get stranded on La Brea after 11 p.m. all of you! I know that, by working together, we can implement Uber's vision of mom-and-pop-castrating capitalism quality service and engagement. And by doing so, we can make everyone here proud to say, "Party naked" "I work for Uber."
Sincerely,
Travi$s
