My name's Jim Gaffigan,

and I'm doing the WIRED Autocomplete Interview.

[upbeat funky music]

Do I just eat this,

or I just start chewing?

[upbeat funky music]

What Jim Gaffigan?

Like so are cavemen typing this in?

Why can't someone put an adjective in there?

What is Jim Gaffigan in?

But what is he in?

You know, how could he be in anything?

What production would cast that guy?

What is Jim Gaffigan doing now?

He obviously isn't working.

What is he doing now?

I wonder if he's homeless.

That's probably the prompt.

Like, yeah.

I'll bet you Jim Gaffigan's homeless.

And they're like, you know, why don't you ask Google?

What college did Jim Gaffigan go to?

That seems kind of passive aggressive.

Like I wonder what college let him in?

Georgetown University.

John Mulaney went there.

Mike Birbiglia.

I don't know if this is true,

but I heard that Jesus went there.

What position did Jim Gaffigan play?

Like what?

The assassination of JFK?

What position?

Was he on the grassy knoll?

I played football in college.

Don't be so surprised.

Alright, I mean.

It was Division III.

I'm flattered because I feel like I look like a linemen.

You know, people be like.

Like would there be any debate?

Like I wonder if he was the tight end

or was he the quarterback?

Like I would think there wouldn't be a debate about that.

Am I doing this right?

[Man] Yep.

Okay.

Is Jim Gaffigan a priest?

I mean, I have five children.

People are Googling that, you know?

Hey, you know that guy that's married with five kids

that's a comedian that tours around the country?

Do you think he's a priest?

Is Jim Gaffigan Mormon?

I've heard this before.

I do have a lot of children.

So I could see that someone would draw that conclusion.

I did date Marie Osmond for 25 years.

So that might have something to do with it.

I watched Big Love,

but, you know, that's about it.

But I drink coffee.

Is Jim Gaffigan albino?

Alright, thanks a lot.

But I am pale.

And I guess people are curious.

I was always trying to add an adjective before white

so that people would go, hey, that really pale guy,

I wanted them to go, the really funny pale guy.

Is Jim Gaffigan Canadian?

Oh, I like that one.

I think that's a compliment.

That's a compliment.

I feel so international.

That's the most exotic I could get, right?

You wouldn't be like, I wonder if he's.

Do you think he's Italian?

No one would ever say that about me.

But you might be like, you know, he's a comedian.

You know, a lot of Canadians are comedians.

Like there's, he's nice.

I am not Canadian.

I'm from the Midwest.

But I do enjoy performing in Canada.

Is Jim Gaffigan nice?

Well, if you think I'm Canadian,

wouldn't you think I was nice?

Maybe the process goes, I wonder if he's Canadian?

And then they're like, he's not Canadian.

Wait a minute, I wonder if he's even nice?

If I'm not Canadian and not nice,

what am I?

Alright, is Jim Gaffigan,

is Jim Gaffigan a clean comedian?

Comedians do their act,

and then you weirdos

need to put us in categories.

Comedians do what they do, and then they get credit

or criticism for the type of comedy they do.

So it's like, oh, they're so brave.

It's like, yeah, maybe they're brave,

or they're just like that.

You know what I mean?

I guess I am plain,

but in some ways that's bull [beep].

Is Jim Gaffigan in Super Troopers?

If you have to ask if I'm in Super Troopers, that's good.

Because I would say most of the people

that know that I'm in Super Troopers

have yelled and said meow to me.

I worked on the movie for two hours.

And if I died today,

I'd be known as the hot pocket meow guy.

Is Jim Gaffigan dead?

In some ways.

On the inside, very much so.

When I die, which believe me, I'm looking for to it.

When I die, the person that works in the funeral home,

it's gonna be an easy gig.

Like it's the same complexion when I'm dead or alive.

So it's.

Is Jim Gaffigan and Daniel Tosh friends?

I've known all comedians forever.

While they may have different views

and maybe approach different things,

I like them.

There is a solidarity among comedians because

we have this strange desire to go onstage

and make strangers laugh.

So comedians will often defend their fellow comedians,

brothers and sisters, like relatives.

Yes, I am friends with Daniel Tosh.

Who Jim Gaffigan?

Who is Jim Gaffigan?

That's pretty standard, right?

Who Jim Gaffigan?

Who Jim Gaffigan?

Who does Jim Gaffigan look like?

Alright, I get this a lot.

And my apologies to Brad Pitt and George Clooney.

A lot of people send me pictures of cats that look like me.

I was sent once a pillow that looked like me.

Who is Jim Gaffigan's wife?

Like is that kinda like people are so shocked

that someone would marry me?

I'm just relieved it's like is Jim Gaffigan's wife blind

is not one of those.

Who did Jim Gaffigan open for?

I opened for the Pope.

But I didn't really open for the Pope.

I opened for the popemobiles.

So I opened for an automobiles.

Like I did standup, bombed in front of 2 million people,

and then the popemobiles drove into this outdoor area.

So I opened for a car.

Who is Jim Gaffigan in Hotel Transylvania 3?

Yeah, I don't know, that feels kind of insulting.

He was obviously some monster.

Which monster was he?

I played Van Helsing who's the monster killer.

You know, I've got five children.

So it was really excited to bring my kids to see me.

And my six year old, who was five at the time,

looked at me, and he was like impressed for like a moment,

and then he was like, can we get popcorn?

Alright.

I'll put those there.

Does Jim Gaffigan.

Does Jim Gaffigan curse?

Yeah, I do curse.

Not constantly, but if like I stub my toe

or I'm around my children, I'll curse a lot.

But I don't necessarily curse in my standup.

I am a tool of Jesus.

I can't curse.

Shh

Shoot.

See, I can't.

Does Jim Gaffigan drink alcohol?

I do.

There was an extended period where I did not

because I was so focused on

my career.

And then I had children, and I needed to drink.

When I didn't drink, people would overreact.

They're like, oh, you don't drink?

Is it okay if I drink?

That doesn't happen with, oh, you don't use mayonnaise?

Is it okay if I use mayonnaise?

Should I use the mayonnaise outside?

Does Jim Gaffigan have a brother?

I have three brothers, two sisters.

I'm the youngest of six.

In my family, I am considered third funniest.

But I have a lot more comedy specials than my siblings.

Now who's winning, Joe?

Moi.

Does Jim Gaffigan have five kids?

I do.

And frankly,

it's something I regret.

I mean, do you think I would look like this

if I had just one kid?

No, I have five kids.

By the way, most of my parenting responsibilities

are taking screens away from those children.

That's it.

That's all I do for parenting.

Okay,

which Jim Gaffigan?

Which Jim Gaffigan?

Which Jim Gaffigan's Hot Pockets?

Hot Pockets is a blessing and a curse.

I certainly don't need more people just yelling it at me,

whether they be drunk people after a show

or me just walking through an airport

and someone going, Hot Pockets!

'Cause I don't know how to respond, honestly.

I don't know if I say hot pocket back

or thank you or sorry.

Which Jim Gaffigan special is best?

That's interesting.

I've done seven.

Two of them are on Amazon,

five of them on Netflix.

But I don't know.

I feel like I'm getting better at standup.

Which

Jim Gaffigan movie should I watch?

That's encouraging because I love acting.

I love working on films because you're creating

the character with the writer and director and producers,

and I love the collaborative atmosphere on a movie set

and that you can obsess on a character

and be a participant in a scene.

Which Jim Gaffigan will remember you?

You know, I'm not that smart, but what does this mean?

See, I have poor eyesight and a bad memory,

but I have poor eyesight and I also can be seen

from far away because I'm kind of goofy looking.

Because I'm kind of approachable, I think people

say hey Jim like they're talking to a friend,

but I might not have met them,

and then sometimes maybe I met them

or maybe they're a parent of a child

at one of my children's school.

It's very complex.

The only thing that really concerns me is which Jim Gaffigan

will remember me, like do I have a split personality?

Is there another me?

Do you know what I mean?

I'm just relieved that it's not just is Jim Gaffigan

gonna die from eating too much

yet.

[cymbal crash music]