Channing Tatum, what were you thinking?

This look says, I am the douchiest elf

in all of middle earth.

Wait, wait, I have more disses for Channing Tatum.

He looks like Link from Twilight Princess

if he OD'd on HGH.

He looks like a level 63 Blood Elf

who moonlights at Chippendales.

He looks like Peter Pan with several extra Y chromosomes.

He looks like a version of Spock from a parallel

universe where everyone is fabulous.

He looks like a Yuuzhan Vong's profile picture on Grindr.

I asses the new movie Jupiter Ascending

on this week's episode of Angry Nerd.

First, your comments.

I asked you what you thought

of the Jupiter Ascending trailer.

The kindest comment was that it looked like a ripoff

of the indie RPG, Stars Without Number.

Most comments just bagged on Tatum's ears

and his apparent use of eyeliner.

Good call, Buddy Smith, he does look kind of like

Mugatu in Zoolander.

He's absolutely right.

The Wachowskis' new movie is a target-rich environment.

For starters, the protagonist is named Jupiter Jones?

What, is he a distant cousin of Pluto Nash?

But what really broils my bantha is that the movie

is about a janitor whose genetic signature proves

that she's a descendant of galactic rulers.

I hate this strain of sci-fi stories in which the

characters are fated to succeed.

Now, predestination isn't a new storytelling crutch,

but it's lazy, it's positively futile,

it's un-American.

Heroism is about smarts and adaptability with maybe

some bravery and self-sacrifice thrown in.

But, fate or kismet, no thank you.

This kind of thing reduces an epic saga to a silly

schoolboy's daydream that he'd one day develop

mutant powers, and then he'd teach a lesson to

all the bullies who mocked his Jean-Luc Picard

lunchbox, and force him to call home in tears

and say, mommy, I don't want to go to college anymore!

Which happened to a friend of mine.

Lana and Andy Wachowski, you don't return my text

messages, but hear me out.

While you're working on your upcoming Netflix show,

Sense8, try to make sure that the characters aren't

already a lock to save the world in the pilot episode.

In fact, maybe do away with the characters altogether.

You know, like you did in Speed Racer.

Which movie hero do you think had an unfair advantage

over their foes?

Let me know in the comments and subscribe to

the WIRED channel.

Also, you are predestined to click on my other videos

that are over here to my left and your right.

Like them, add comments to each of them,

do it, fulfill your galactic destiny!