(piano music)

(factory sounds)

Sing, O muse, sing of the righteous wrath of me.

For sooth, I am mightily outraged that Hollywood

doth clog up yon multiplex with a glud of Greek demigods.

The new Brett Ratner film, Hercules, follows hot on the pecs

of Renny Harlin's Legend of Hercules from January.

Ostensibly upgrading the legend with a healthy dose

of Dwayne The Rock Johnson and that's just the first level

of the Hellenic hell that we're all being forced to endure.

Every time you turn around, another sword and sandal and CG

extravaganza springs from the empty head of a studio exec.

(growls)

That bombastic remake of Clash of the Titans

besmirches the holy legacy of Harryhausen.

Peace be upon him.

I feel like I'm being force-fed a diet of cinematic

Souvlaki and I crave different cuisines.

If movie moguls want to pillage world religions

for time tested storylines, they should

look beyond the Peloponnesian peninsula.

Where's the movie about Bobi-Bobi, the snake deity

of the Binbinga people of Northern Australia?

And why no blockbuster about

the Hawaiian shark god Kamohoalii?

Enough with the movies based on Homer

and Appollonius of Rhodes.

I want to see movies based on the storytelling style

of West African griots.

I want to see TV serials like the ones in India

that are based on ancient Hindu epics.

Hundreds of spellbinding episodes about the journey

of Rama or the Kurukshetra war.

And why are Mesopotamian myths relegated to bad guy roles

in Ghostbusters.

I'll go through the destroyer, make me your key master

and I will force filmmakers to devote entire trilogies

to your memorable deeds during the rectification

of the Voldrauni and the third reconciliation

of the last of the mecetric supplicants.

I am Vinz, Vinz Clortho, Keymaster of Gozer,

Volguus Zildrohoar, Lord of the Seboullia.

Are you the Gatekeeper?

(whoosh)

I can't even talk about the crummy film versions

of the Percy Jackson books.

Let me know what you thought of those

mythological monstrosities in the comments

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