Brett Ratner's Hercules & Pillaging Story Lines for Big-Budget CGI Films
Released on 07/24/2014
(piano music)
(factory sounds)
Sing, O muse, sing of the righteous wrath of me.
For sooth, I am mightily outraged that Hollywood
doth clog up yon multiplex with a glud of Greek demigods.
The new Brett Ratner film, Hercules, follows hot on the pecs
of Renny Harlin's Legend of Hercules from January.
Ostensibly upgrading the legend with a healthy dose
of Dwayne The Rock Johnson and that's just the first level
of the Hellenic hell that we're all being forced to endure.
Every time you turn around, another sword and sandal and CG
extravaganza springs from the empty head of a studio exec.
(growls)
That bombastic remake of Clash of the Titans
besmirches the holy legacy of Harryhausen.
Peace be upon him.
I feel like I'm being force-fed a diet of cinematic
Souvlaki and I crave different cuisines.
If movie moguls want to pillage world religions
for time tested storylines, they should
look beyond the Peloponnesian peninsula.
Where's the movie about Bobi-Bobi, the snake deity
of the Binbinga people of Northern Australia?
And why no blockbuster about
the Hawaiian shark god Kamohoalii?
Enough with the movies based on Homer
and Appollonius of Rhodes.
I want to see movies based on the storytelling style
of West African griots.
I want to see TV serials like the ones in India
that are based on ancient Hindu epics.
Hundreds of spellbinding episodes about the journey
of Rama or the Kurukshetra war.
And why are Mesopotamian myths relegated to bad guy roles
in Ghostbusters.
I'll go through the destroyer, make me your key master
and I will force filmmakers to devote entire trilogies
to your memorable deeds during the rectification
of the Voldrauni and the third reconciliation
of the last of the mecetric supplicants.
I am Vinz, Vinz Clortho, Keymaster of Gozer,
Volguus Zildrohoar, Lord of the Seboullia.
Are you the Gatekeeper?
(whoosh)
I can't even talk about the crummy film versions
of the Percy Jackson books.
Let me know what you thought of those
mythological monstrosities in the comments
and subscribe to the Wired channel.
Starring: Chris Baker
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Brett Ratner's Hercules & Pillaging Story Lines for Big-Budget CGI Films