Why Clint Eastwood’s “Jersey Boys” is Destined to Crash & Burn on the Big Screen
Released on 06/19/2014
(train whistle)
Well, it's finally happened.
Dirty Harry's gone Broadway.
Which would be incredible if it meant
I could buy tickets to something called
the Magnum Force Follies.
Yes, June brings its usual scourge
of sci-fi tentpoles and event television.
But it also brings Eastwood's film adaptation
of Jersey Boys.
A musical about the Four Seasons.
Look, musicals are great, Rocky Horror Picture Show,
Sweeney Todd, Little Shop of Horrors,
I even found Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark
to be a revelation.
Though the Taymor to Bono ratio was way off.
I just flat out love the form.
It's like martial arts with melodious,
rhyming dialogue and an orchestral backing.
Busby Berkeley, Vincente Minnelli,
Stanley Donen, Bob Fosse, and where,
might I ask, is the movie based on Cats?
You know who could play the cats?
Cats!
Think of the social media buzz.
But jukebox musicals (groans)
They are a narratological nightmare.
Mamma Mia.
Rock of Ages.
Oh, you can sprain a plat bone
trying to build a coherent story
around a bunch of preexisting songs.
I mean, have you seen the 1978 Sergeant Pepper
jukebox musical?
Starring the Bee Gees for some reason?
No?
Good, forget I ever mentioned it.
Seriously, don't go looking for it online.
You might find it, and then your soul will shatter.
It's like looking into the face of an elder god
with disco.
The least bad kind of jukebox musical
is something like Jersey Boys or Ray
or I Walk the Line, where the songs make sense.
After all, it's a life story
of the people who performed the songs.
But I expect more from Clint Eastwood
than a straightforward biography
that recreates a bunch of old Frankie Valli hits.
The man is such a, he's an Oscar winning actor and director
he's an award winning composer and song writer.
Play Misty for me?
Classic.
And who can forget this?
♫ But suddenly my words
♫ Reach someone else's ears.
Clint, you should play a gravely voiced
Greek chorus in Jersey Boy.
We want to hear old Flint Eyes croon original songs
about the rise and fall of the Four Seasons.
Okay, Clint, after that, you can get to work
on Unforgiven the Musical.
The song Deserve's Got Nothing to do With It
will be a show stopper.
Which Dirty Harry movie would you like to see
turned into a musical?
Let me know in the comments
and subscribe to the Wired channel.
Starring: Chris Baker
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