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    Captain America’s Unrealistic Vibranium Shield

    Angry Nerd is ready to demote Captain America from his current rank to lieutenant. In the Marvel superhero’s newest movie adaptation, his vibranium shield defies everything that physics and materials science has taught us. Angry Nerd calls blasphemy on the ingredient-altered shield.

    Released on 03/27/2014

    Transcript

    (piano jingle)

    (train horn)

    Captain America,

    hand over your double silver bar insignia.

    I am busting you down to the rank

    of Second Lieutenant America

    because your shield is so metallurgically moronic.

    If there's one thing I hate about Earth 19999,

    the version of the Earth

    where the Marvel Cinematic Universe takes place, duh,

    it's the fact that they've altered the ingredients

    in Captain America's giant flingable disc of decency,

    and note how Winghead ricochets his shield around.

    Newsflash: Those ricochets are physically impossible,

    and not just because those shots are impossible,

    even for a computer.

    No, it's simple material science and basic physics

    based on what the shield is supposedly made of.

    For the longest time, the comic book version of the shield

    was an alloy that combined indestructible adamantium

    with vibranium, a substance

    that can absorb all kinetic energy.

    But in an egregious departure

    from the official Marvel handbook,

    the new movie version of the shield is all vibranium.

    [Steve] What's it made of?

    Vibranium.

    It's completely vibration absorbent.

    By the hoary hosts of Hoggoth, why?

    Did Fox lock up the rights to adamantium

    along with the X-men franchise?

    Let me break it down for you

    in Superhero Squad simple terms.

    If there really was such a thing

    as energy absorbent vibranium,

    and if Captain America's shield was actually made from it,

    that shield would not rebound

    like a billiard ball off of a bumper.

    The vibranium would absorb

    the kinetic energy of the collision,

    rendering it totally inelastic.

    It would drop like a dead tennis ball

    (pounds table)

    hitting a net.

    No way could an all-vibranium shield

    perform endless bad guy bopping bank shots.

    Spread the word and demand a fix!

    Maybe a timely retcon that explains this unforgivable error

    can still be snuck into Avengers 2: Age of Ultron.

    Could Captain America beat The Hulk in ultimate frisbee?

    Let me know in the comments.

    Starring: Chris Baker

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