Captain America’s Unrealistic Vibranium Shield
Released on 03/27/2014
(piano jingle)
(train horn)
Captain America,
hand over your double silver bar insignia.
I am busting you down to the rank
of Second Lieutenant America
because your shield is so metallurgically moronic.
If there's one thing I hate about Earth 19999,
the version of the Earth
where the Marvel Cinematic Universe takes place, duh,
it's the fact that they've altered the ingredients
in Captain America's giant flingable disc of decency,
and note how Winghead ricochets his shield around.
Newsflash: Those ricochets are physically impossible,
and not just because those shots are impossible,
even for a computer.
No, it's simple material science and basic physics
based on what the shield is supposedly made of.
For the longest time, the comic book version of the shield
was an alloy that combined indestructible adamantium
with vibranium, a substance
that can absorb all kinetic energy.
But in an egregious departure
from the official Marvel handbook,
the new movie version of the shield is all vibranium.
[Steve] What's it made of?
Vibranium.
It's completely vibration absorbent.
By the hoary hosts of Hoggoth, why?
Did Fox lock up the rights to adamantium
along with the X-men franchise?
Let me break it down for you
in Superhero Squad simple terms.
If there really was such a thing
as energy absorbent vibranium,
and if Captain America's shield was actually made from it,
that shield would not rebound
like a billiard ball off of a bumper.
The vibranium would absorb
the kinetic energy of the collision,
rendering it totally inelastic.
It would drop like a dead tennis ball
(pounds table)
hitting a net.
No way could an all-vibranium shield
perform endless bad guy bopping bank shots.
Spread the word and demand a fix!
Maybe a timely retcon that explains this unforgivable error
can still be snuck into Avengers 2: Age of Ultron.
Could Captain America beat The Hulk in ultimate frisbee?
Let me know in the comments.
Starring: Chris Baker
Bad Ideas from Hollywood: Punctuation in Titles—Age of the Colon
Why is WWE on SyFy?! Cable Networks Straying from Their Original Missions
TV Networks Are Running Out of Original Ideas
What the Bleep is Bumblebee? Indecisive Autobot Keeps Switching his Vehicular Form
Deconstructing LEGO: How a Beloved Toy Sold Out to Cross-Brand Licensing
The Inauthenticity of CG Blood and the Demise of Karo Syrup and Red Food Coloring
The Implausibility of Thor's Physics-Defying Hammer, Mjölnir
The Unraveling of Secret Societies in Pop Cultural References
The Watered-Down Hunger Games Trilogy
Giving Thanks for TV Shows That End Before Their Time
Can Ben Affleck Successfully Suit Up as the Dark Knight?
Chris Baker Responds to YouTubers About Kick-Ass 2 and the Real-Life Superheroes Trend
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug and the Evolution of CG Dragons
Chris Baker’s Favorite Christmas Movie of All Time
Riddick and Hollywood's Failed Attempts at Using POV Cameras
The Big Bang Theory’s Shortcomings and Inaccurate Portrayal of Geek Culture
Will Disney Ruin Star Wars?
The Most Famous Female Comic Book Character is a Franchise Flop
The Unnecessary RoboCop Remake
Late Night with Seth Meyers and Stale After-Hours Talk Shows
How to Improve the Academy Awards
Mr. Peabody & Sherman and Today’s Remakes of Classic Cartoons
The Veronica Mars Movie Project and the Pitfalls of Crowdfunding Films
Fox News’ Abundant & Unnecessary Use of Big-Area Touch Screens
Captain America’s Unrealistic Vibranium Shield
The Problem with Game of Thrones
Hasbro, Your "Magic: The Gathering" Movie Is Murdering My Childhood
How Hollywood Can Get Evil Twins Right
Why Exactly Is Parkour Not a Film Genre Yet?
Networks Somehow Find Another Way to Resurrect Old Shows
The Greatest Fictional Characters Ever All in One Show? Sign Me Up
Why the New Godzilla Movie Won’t Suck
The Madness of the Timeline Mashup in the New X-Men
Why Disney Needs to Make More Movies About Classic Villains
Why Edge of Tomorrow is of the Greatest Movie About Video Games, Ever
Is Darth Disney Destroying Star Wars’ Expanded Universe?
Why Clint Eastwood’s “Jersey Boys” is Destined to Crash & Burn on the Big Screen
Death to the Superhero Comic-Book Movie … But Not All Comic-Book Movies
Why Andy Serkis is the Greatest Actor of His Generation
Give Me a Standalone Comic-Book Movie or Give Me Death
Reboots We Need Way More Than "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"
Brett Ratner's Hercules & Pillaging Story Lines for Big-Budget CGI Films