(piano jingle)

(train horn)

Captain America,

hand over your double silver bar insignia.

I am busting you down to the rank

of Second Lieutenant America

because your shield is so metallurgically moronic.

If there's one thing I hate about Earth 19999,

the version of the Earth

where the Marvel Cinematic Universe takes place, duh,

it's the fact that they've altered the ingredients

in Captain America's giant flingable disc of decency,

and note how Winghead ricochets his shield around.

Newsflash: Those ricochets are physically impossible,

and not just because those shots are impossible,

even for a computer.

No, it's simple material science and basic physics

based on what the shield is supposedly made of.

For the longest time, the comic book version of the shield

was an alloy that combined indestructible adamantium

with vibranium, a substance

that can absorb all kinetic energy.

But in an egregious departure

from the official Marvel handbook,

the new movie version of the shield is all vibranium.

[Steve] What's it made of?

Vibranium.

It's completely vibration absorbent.

By the hoary hosts of Hoggoth, why?

Did Fox lock up the rights to adamantium

along with the X-men franchise?

Let me break it down for you

in Superhero Squad simple terms.

If there really was such a thing

as energy absorbent vibranium,

and if Captain America's shield was actually made from it,

that shield would not rebound

like a billiard ball off of a bumper.

The vibranium would absorb

the kinetic energy of the collision,

rendering it totally inelastic.

It would drop like a dead tennis ball

(pounds table)

hitting a net.

No way could an all-vibranium shield

perform endless bad guy bopping bank shots.

Spread the word and demand a fix!

Maybe a timely retcon that explains this unforgivable error

can still be snuck into Avengers 2: Age of Ultron.

Could Captain America beat The Hulk in ultimate frisbee?

Let me know in the comments.