(clicking, train whistle)

(R2D2 chattering)

Help me, George Lucas, you're my only hope.

Darth Disney is destroying the expanded universe.

Please come back, George Lucas.

This is our most desperate hour.

Oh, I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if

thousands of story lines cried out and

were suddenly silenced.

The Star Wars franchise is committing canonicide.

The fate of an entire universe is at stake.

You gotta understand, the Star Wars movies are the barest

fraction of Star Wars stories out there.

The so-called expanded universe has existed in comic books

and novels and games for decades, and Lucasfilm is now

airlocking it all: the Thrawn Trilogy novels,

Shadow of the Empire for Nintendo 64, the Tatooine Manhunt

module for the Star Wars RPG, the holiday special,

erased from existence.

Only a Sith lord would decree that everything except

the Star Wars films, and the Clone War series

did not happen.

All future tie-in cartoons and novels, everything will be

forced to march in lockstep with the J.J. Abrams

sequel films.

You know who else marched in lockstep?

And a new story group inside Lucasfilm will make sure

that all elements of the Star Wars continuity fit together.

Normally I approve of an orderly and cohesive continuity,

but this crisis on infinite Endors is deleting incidents

that are more interesting than almost anything that happened

in the movies.

No expanded universe means Boba Fett never escaped

from the sarlacc pit.

Luke Skywalker never flirted with the dark side,

and Han Solo never befriended this guy right here:

Jackson Starhopper, with the ears.

Oh, Darth Disney, only you could be so bold.

To think that I was cautiously optimistic about your

stewardship of Star Wars.

(exploding)

I was far too trusting.

The survival of the expanded universe is now in the hands

of Star Wars fans.

Fanfiction kept Star Trek alive through the lean years.

We can do the same for Star Wars.

The more you tighten your grip, Darth Disney, the more

expanded universe stories will slip through your fingers.

You may control the canon, but you will never control

the Fanon.

Your tightly controlled continuity can't handle

the pulse-pounding exploits of Pedanticus Nitpickser,

a bald, bespectacled Jedi who lectures the entire galaxy

about how light sabers are scientifically impossible,

and how you couldn't actually hear explosions in the

vacuum of space.

Strong he is in the Force of logic!

What's your favorite expanded universe story?

Angry Birds Star Wars doesn't count.

Let me know in the comments, and subscribe

to the WIRED channel.