(piano jingle)

(kettle whistling)

So, Batman's getting a new actor

stuffed into the cape and cowl.

Ben Affleck will plan an older, more seasoned Dark Knight

in the upcoming film, Superman v Batman.

Now it's the versus that bothers me.

See Frank Miller is the one who came closest

to figuring out how this wouldn't be the world's finest

wild sided fight in its graphic novel,

The Dark Knight Returns but no matter how you slice it,

it's an invulnerable flying alien versus the sadistic

trustafarian with a tricked out tool belt

but all of you shrill internet nerds

who are already certain that Batfleck is going to batfail

are getting way ahead of yourselves.

Nobody thought that slapstick funny guy Michael Keaton

would be any good at Tim Burton's original Batman

but Keaton combined the manic intensity of Beetlejuice

with the campy suavity of Johnny Dangerously.

I'm Batman.

And now that I think about it, Christian Bale

nailed Batman by meshing the wounded but resourceful child

from Empire of the Sun with the well heeled

serial killer from American Psycho.

I won't kill you but I don't have to see you.

(cape flapping)

Now if only Val Kilmer could mix Ice Man and Doc Holiday

instead of his melange of Jim Morrison and, I don't know,

Madmartigan?

The kid from Real Genius?

George Clooney, he was like a mash up

of his overshadow lead in From Dusk Till Dawn

and whatever the hell he was doing on The Facts of Life.

Doctor Doug Ross, where are you?

(twinkle)

Which brings us back to Affleck.

What could work for him?

Well a mixture of the ambivalent bank robber from The Town

and his volatile yuppie from Changing Lanes,

that I could get behind.

But what if we get the slightly stoned Daredevil

plus the sociopathic Back Door Man from Mallrats?

That,

that would be bad.

Like, batarang to the solar plexus bad.

Actually, if this Batman

is like his Daredevil plus anything,

we are boned.

Arwick Affleck plus paycheck Affleck

also a recipe for disaster.

Cool Affleck plus Ranger Games.

I have no words.

(low tone chord)

Thanks for watching.

One thing's sure, Matt Damon would make a great Robin

if he plays him as half Good Will Hunting

and half Jason Bourne.

What about you?

Let me know who you would cast

as The Boy Wonder in the comments.