Can Ben Affleck Successfully Suit Up as the Dark Knight?
Released on 12/05/2013
(piano jingle)
(kettle whistling)
So, Batman's getting a new actor
stuffed into the cape and cowl.
Ben Affleck will plan an older, more seasoned Dark Knight
in the upcoming film, Superman v Batman.
Now it's the versus that bothers me.
See Frank Miller is the one who came closest
to figuring out how this wouldn't be the world's finest
wild sided fight in its graphic novel,
The Dark Knight Returns but no matter how you slice it,
it's an invulnerable flying alien versus the sadistic
trustafarian with a tricked out tool belt
but all of you shrill internet nerds
who are already certain that Batfleck is going to batfail
are getting way ahead of yourselves.
Nobody thought that slapstick funny guy Michael Keaton
would be any good at Tim Burton's original Batman
but Keaton combined the manic intensity of Beetlejuice
with the campy suavity of Johnny Dangerously.
I'm Batman.
And now that I think about it, Christian Bale
nailed Batman by meshing the wounded but resourceful child
from Empire of the Sun with the well heeled
serial killer from American Psycho.
I won't kill you but I don't have to see you.
(cape flapping)
Now if only Val Kilmer could mix Ice Man and Doc Holiday
instead of his melange of Jim Morrison and, I don't know,
Madmartigan?
The kid from Real Genius?
George Clooney, he was like a mash up
of his overshadow lead in From Dusk Till Dawn
and whatever the hell he was doing on The Facts of Life.
Doctor Doug Ross, where are you?
(twinkle)
Which brings us back to Affleck.
What could work for him?
Well a mixture of the ambivalent bank robber from The Town
and his volatile yuppie from Changing Lanes,
that I could get behind.
But what if we get the slightly stoned Daredevil
plus the sociopathic Back Door Man from Mallrats?
That,
that would be bad.
Like, batarang to the solar plexus bad.
Actually, if this Batman
is like his Daredevil plus anything,
we are boned.
Arwick Affleck plus paycheck Affleck
also a recipe for disaster.
Cool Affleck plus Ranger Games.
I have no words.
(low tone chord)
Thanks for watching.
One thing's sure, Matt Damon would make a great Robin
if he plays him as half Good Will Hunting
and half Jason Bourne.
What about you?
Let me know who you would cast
as The Boy Wonder in the comments.
Starring: Chris Baker
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