(piano notes)

(train whistle)

Here are the nominees for

the most excruciatingly dull events in the galaxy:

inaugurations, your dentist's son's bar mitzvah,

the Commonwealth Games Lawn Bowling Championship,

and the Academy Awards.

And the winner is...

Oh my goodness, it's the Oscars!

Oh, I'm overcome, this comes as such a surprise...

to no one.

I really despise the Oscars.

Thanks Academy for dragging things out

for 14 hours with dumb awards nobody cares

about like Best Actor or whatever.

Where's the most relevant award?

You know, the Gordon E. Sawyer Award.

The Academy's awards for scientific

and technical achievement.

It's not even part of the telecast.

The Academy doles that out weeks beforehand

at a separate ceremony for scientific

and technical achievement.

In order to take some of the sting out

of this horrendous slight, the Academy always ropes

in some poor, contractually-obligated ingenue

to look pretty for the nerds.

It is offensive.

Pixar's Ed Catmull should get his prize in primetime.

This Academy of asshats is so out of touch

that they don't even have categories that recognize some

of the most important figures in filmdom.

There's no award honoring the designer of the best part

of a movie: the title sequence.

Saul Bass never won an Oscar for his brilliant titles.

Think about that.

Also, every year for the last 22 years,

the Academy has rejected requests

to add a category for stunt coordination.

(swords clanging)

(intense music)

Hong Kong legend Yuen Woo-ping would have

had an armload by now.

If I produced the Oscars,

I'd eliminate all the scripted banter

and the musical numbers and use the time saved

to drill down on new projection technologies.

Who needs Best Song when you have a panel

of experts debating the feasibility of glasses-free 3D?

Maybe I'll add a game show element.

We'll give terrific editors like Walter Murch

or Thelma Schoonmaker footage from some horrible film

like Pluto Nash and give them an hour to chop it up

into something decent.

[Voiceover] Ooh yeah.

Now that would be Must See TV.

Brave, a better animated feature than Wreck-It Ralph?

Uh, no.

What do you think is the biggest Oscar outrage?

Let me know in the comments,

and subscribe to the WIRED channel.